Revamping the Fruits of Desire:
From Organic to Orgasmic
by Parabola Meniscus, Special to LoCA
“Men and Melons are hard to know.” - Benjamin Franklin
“Me thought, her long small legs & thighs
I with my Tendrils did surprise…” – Robert Herrick, “The Vine”
“Me thought, her long small legs & thighs
I with my Tendrils did surprise…” – Robert Herrick, “The Vine”
Exclusive to LoCA, our correspondents to the fields of genetic engineering, agri-econ, and food science, to the sport/power drink industry, and to obesity and diabetes education have all confirmed the upcoming release of a new hybrid series of consumer food products that will forever alter the way we eat, live, and shag.
More specifically, a brand new bang is poised to sound climactically across the already prickly political divides concerning consumer rights, food safety, factory farming, monocultural cultivation, GMO seeds, cloned meats, growth hormones, food deserts, and the general wanton manipulation of core food sources and nutritional staples worldwide.
This time, however, the news is a lot less corny and a lot more horny.
New evidence leaked to our sources suggests that a major Midwestern conglomerate in genetic food design is close to perfecting a new type of embedded aphrodisiac that has been meticulously interspliced into the genes of a variety of common, everyday fruits, grains, and vegetables. Early proprietary studies suggest that these new vegetable hybrids are not only thoroughly safe, viable sources of the USDA recommended daily diet of essential vitamins and minerals, but also capable of initiating a very desirable and highly marketable side effect in users: it makes them into hardcore, unrelenting, and nearly insatiable sex machines.
Recent early findings from key subject trials have blazed an extremely promising path that may lead the current firestorm over genetically modified foods into surprisingly stimulating new directions. One recent pre-patent inquiry with a major law firm confirms eye witness accounts so positive that we are told a number of corporate pharmaceutical conglomerates, health and fitness-based service providers, military contractors, and adult film interests are already putting in early bids for exclusive rights to key applications and niche markets. The report describes the results of carefully orchestrated test sequences: “We knew we had something quite special, and potentially game-changing underway, but until the most recent time trials involving that Scientologist football coach and five members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, we really had no idea that regulation fire extinguishers and grease pencils could be used like that! It makes one very excited and eager for the hot and heavy futures that could result from this breakthrough.”
Another internal report has noted, “across every conceivable test group, excluding of course under-age children and truck drivers, but including random samples of racially and geographically diverse senior citizens, veterans, law enforcement, clergy, educators, veterinarians, actuaries, shipwrights, sumo wrestlers, and meteorologists,” the results have been encouraging in their consistency, performance, and endurance. Even traditionally unsexy, relatively unappealing, and notoriously repressed or perverse professionals including proctologists, hog farmers, parking meter attendants, librarians, underwriters, busboys, and clowns have enjoyed superior results with only minor use or infrequent exposure to what the company has termed Project: HOTstem.
From what we have been able to glean from reliable leaks and consulting witnesses, the initiative to saturate our vegetable diets with hefty doses of steam-powered za-za-zoo has focused on several major test groups involving carefully commoditized and patented staple crops including but not limited to cantaloupes, watermelons, cassavas, apples, pumpkins, peaches, pears, parsnips, bananas, cucumbers, carrots, zucchini, string beans, and the occasional mango, durian, or breadfruit as a potential add-on to foreign markets.
“With the exception of those suffering from pre-existing diseases, tumors, or wounds, every single test candidate has experienced the same explosive surge of sexual potency, intensive erotic stimuli, and a truly exhilarating – and in a few cases downright outrageous – display of sexual ability,” says another confidential source close to the most recent internal tests. Though exact details are still relatively sparse and early reports remain speculative, some lab techs at the firm have told this reporter that product testing has led to truly life-changing, transcendental, and “utterly f**kstastic” moments of carnal euphoria, sexual ecstasy, and erotic enlightenment. “We have seen subjects of all genders and sexual proclivities find previously unparalleled satisfaction in an nearly exhaustive sequence of scenarios and contexts,” one spokesperson told LoCA, “but we are not yet at liberty to describe precisely how the process works or how we have orchestrated our first roll-outs and test markets. Rest assured though, we see big changes coming for agri-economic entrepreneurs, Farm Bill advocates, and previously economically challenged rural communities left destitute or struggling by the shortfalls that arise from more mundane, traditional, or backward methods of crop and animal husbandry.” As is so often the case, it seems, sex sells and in the very near future, it might make broccoli and brussel sprouts the next Ginseng or Spanish Fly.
In actuality, there is no need to wait and see how these markets may open up, as leaks from within Public Relations giant, Bull, Ball, & Testes, have revealed some of the early brainstorming scenarios for HOTstem. Said one elite marketing exec, “Remember all of that gas and foo-foo about ‘organic’ this and ‘sustainable’ that? Well, local schmoocal! We guarantee that given the choice between Green slow food and a HOTstem rush from a well-engineered cucurbit, the world will shift its interests from supposedly ‘safe,’ local organics to risky, risqué orgasms! It’s a surefire win and a big one and we are privileged to be at the forefront in a major change in the eating and boffing habits of the American people.”
It’s true that early canvassing and psycho-demographic surveys show a near 180-degree shift away from previous ethical concerns involving distrust of GMO foods and industrial farming when faced with the opportunity to astronomically improve one’s sex life. It’s also been confirmed that repurposing deals and exclusive rights to certain marketing opportunities have already been secured, but no hard evidence has yet been available to journalists. One source close to the actual experiments, however, has stated that numerous visits by representatives of Playboy, Disney, the Olympic Committee, InBev, and BP have already yielded surprisingly positive and profitable conjectures. “The lucky ones,” our source claims, “got involved early enough to volunteer for some refinement studies. Immediately after sampling our work, without exception, they agreed to some very favorable negotiating terms. Some of them did take several hours to regain their composure, administer asthma meds, snap a couple dozen selfies, and sort out who was originally wearing what, of course. (At one point, there was quite a scuffle over whose phylactery was whose. What a moment!). With branding like that so adamantly behind us so early in the process, we feel as though we simply cannot fail to make a significant contribution to the physical and sexual health of humanity in a very short time.” As for the as-yet-unknown originator and director of the HOTstem program, we have only a cautious press release: “I have always been jealous of key moments in science marketing, like the early Nestle and Carnation campaigns that overturned our evolutionary connection to breastfeeding, or those clever tactics used by Thalidomide and NuvaRing. Now, however, my team and I feel as though our legacy is finally secure! ”
The first blind public consumer trials of HOTstem have been scheduled in what organizers refer to as the “usual overseas markets” where consumer rights and governmental oversight offer less of a constraint. Yet, one recent projection shows domestic sales of key HOTstem products slated for as early as six months from now if all goes well in what industry sources term the “backwaters of the world.”
Regardless of our previous allegiance to faith, health, or science-based concerns over GMOs and their influence in 21st Century lives, it seems that HOTstem may soon provide us all with an opportunity to have our peaches and schtupp them too, whether we want to or not!